Tuesday, September 6, 2016

How to be a Beer League Ballplayer

The following is a guide into how to be a good BeerLeaguer:

1. Always bring beer. If you're a rookie, bring lots of beer. If you don't drink, bring beer.

2. Get up in the count and hack like a muthafucka.

3. Run hard on everything, guys fuck up all the time.

4. Name your bat, talk dirty to it. It's all you got between you and a 90 mph projectile.

5. Eat seeds, learn to crack him in your mouth individually, even with like 50 of em packed in there.

6. Curve your bill and wear your cap straight forward, if you wear it cockeyed your a slack jawed dick bicycle.

7. Always break up two, hard but clean. Respect.

8. Like grass, like dirt, like em together. Get that shit on ya.

9. If you try to steal third you better fuckin make it.

10. Pick up the catchers mask, they do squats all day in the hot sun and will sing your praises. Also, we get to decide where a guy who's throwing 90 should throw the ball. Be nice.

11. Say hello to the ump before you dig in before your first at bat. You may end up calling him a cocksucker before the nights over but we're not animals, greetings are what separates us from the monkeys.

12. If you get rung on a close pitch then take your medicine. If you ain't going to protect with 2 strikes then get your pimpled ass to the dugout.

13. Don't wear batting gloves.

14. Always kiss on the first date.

15. Know the goddamn signs, if you miss a hit and run or bunt sign, then go sit at the end of the bench and don't talk for the rest of the game. Maybe the rest of the season.

16. Hit the cutoff ya hero. You're not Jessie Barfield.

17. Always make a turn and pump for two. Pressuring defense is always good.

18. Be funny on the bench. For three hours you get to sit with your best friends and tell stories. Baseball is the best sport in the world for this. Take advantage and bring your A material.

19. Prank each other. All the hot foots, seeds on caps, bubblegum pom-poms, use your imagination.

20. If you're going to a tournament always pick the skinniest dude to room with, they almost never snore.

21. When out at the bar it's completely legit to tell a girl that you were an 18th round pick by the Dodgers but an injury kept you out of the show.

22. If you wear wristbands, eyeblack on cloudy days or you can't pronounce the colour of your cleats then you might be a Baseball Douchebag.

23. Time your swing to the pitcher while you are in the on-deck circle. If you are staring at girls, or whippin the bat around with a doughnut on it trying to look like a hero instead, then see rule 22.

24. Freeze on all line drives, or if a girl you're dating says "I love you".

25. If you get plunked and end up in a heap, don't dust off.

26. If you're an outfielder coming in on a tweener and you don't call off the infielder and then collide.... It's within his rights to throat punch you in the dick.

27. Don't get the rookies too bombed. I won't elaborate on this one but it serves everyone's best interests.

28. Don't be shamed out of choking up with 2 strikes. I'd rather the guy who swallows his pride and puts a ball in play at a big moment instead of  walking to the dugout. Plus, Joey Votto does it!

29. Never try to steal bases when you are up or down by 5. Both make you look like you are trying to pad your own stats and they aren't actually in your teams best interests.

30. If you get robbed on a nice play tip your cap, don't toss it.

31. Always kiss on the second date.

32. When the lineup gets read out make sure you clap hard and/or say something funny about each player in your lineup.

33. Embrace streaks. If your team has won 4 in a row and you notice that you haven't eaten a single fruit or vegetable during that streak.... then you keep that shit going at the risk of scurvy.

34. Vaccinate your children.

35. It's okay to hack 3-0 despite how some may want to shame you. It's all about context though. If the pitcher has just walked a few guys then glue the bat to your shoulder. But if it's a tight game and the pitcher has shown good control, and you think he's about to throw a "greasy-get one over the middle" fastball, then fuck yeah. Get into it and give it a ride. I've had coaches who have said it's always redlight at 3 and oh, they were never good coaches.

36. I've always been a low socks guy but I love my dudes who wear em high. There's no rule here except play baseball because then you get to decide which you prefer.

37. If you're going to dip don't spit in the dugout.

38. It's completely cool to deke runners when on defense. Fake catching, throws, tags.

39. Take care of your glove, love it, care for it.

40. Have a funny walk out tune, no one gives a shit about subtle nuance. If you walk out to Wham Careless Whisper then you're a God.

41. Get excited when the career .200 hitter goes yard.

42. Always have Ibuprofen, Tylenol, Tiger Balm, Ephedrine, cab fare and bandages in your bag.

43. Protip, never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, lunge for a bag.

44. I'd almost always prefer to play with the guy who dives and misses a ball than the guy who lets up and takes it on a bounce to prevent 2 bases. Of course circumstance matters. My point is I love the guys that go all out to go get it.

45. Dogs are way better than cats.

46. Backup your teammates on every play, it's tedious but teams that do it win more.

47. Just remember if a girl doesn't like Bull Durham there are 3 and a half billion more to choose from.

48. Hygiene is important, no one wants to sit next to the pit stained ammonia smelling guy. Wash your shit.

49. Don't piss and moan if things aren't going your way, work on getting better.

50. Sundays are for baseball, if you say different I'm having none of it.