Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Note: Since we have a few days before the next series, it seems as good a time as any to post this. I wrote this post exactly a week ago in long hand. It's my usual writing style but I don't use it for blogging because of the extra time. It allows my thoughts to flow freely and I get a chance to do an edit when I type it. This one did get a second pass but nothing really changed except to add in some updates and to say that I really love you all and greatly appreciate your support during this trying time.
I'm writing this at midnight in my mother's hospital room. This is my second overnight session in 2 days. By the time my brother relieves me in the morning, I will have spent 30 hours here. Thankfully the last few hours since we moved my mom into a private room have been calm. She's finally sleeping and lucid when she's awake. A far cry from how I celebrated the evening while the Jays were popping the champagne.
I already knew this but a reminder - baseball is far from the most important thing in life. Staking your happiness on how a bunch of other people perform on a given day is no way to live.
The end of the first regular season we've spent here at The House felt like the perfect time to make changes.
The truth is...I'm tired.
I'm tired of presenting my opinion and being told I'm telling people how to feel. All I've ever tried to do is to give another perspective. That's what I do. I'm a catalyst for change in people's lives. Always have been. That's my purpose on this planet for this lifetime.
I'm tired of playing cop when one person decides they don't like someone and become obnoxious in singling that person out.
I'm tired of staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning writing something for the next day. (nb: only until 1 this time.)
I'm tired of rarely having the time to give my writing a second pass.
I'm tired of the knee-jerk reactionism that is Toronto fans, especially when it comes to ownership.
I'm tired of being told my optimism is stupid when it's a core part of my personality and the only way I know how to live a happy life. Which I do.
I'm tired of the incredible anger when the Jays lose. My father is one of those and I'm here to tell you that it's not harmless, that it has a cumulative negative effect on the people around you. (nb: to be fair to my dad, how the Jays do hasn't been a priority to him in the past week.)
I walked away down the stretch for my mental health and discovered I didn't want to give back the time I had found for other things. So I made the decision not to write for the blog anymore. When the decision was made, I relaxed. (nb: then my mom ends up in the hospital. How's that for timing?)
I also realized I have nothing left to say. I had posts in drafts, just titles, but no interest in writing them. I want to write about other things that are important to me and finish that one-woman show I've been writing on and off (mostly off) for the last couple of years.
I feel that there is a strong stable of writers here who are ready to step up in commitment. (nb: thanks Smasher! You've been a godsend.) Once I started doing the game threats, I wanted to see the entire season through. Now that it's done, I'm looking forward to seeing someone else take them and make them their own.
I also really want the other mods to take more ownership (nb: they have. Thanks so much!). We've also had a bunch of people start commenting and it would be great if a couple of them decided to step up in that way.
Someone called you all my devotees but we know that's not really true. It's you guys who've built this in the end. All I did was give you the structure and space. I'm still willing to do that. Posts still need to be scheduled. The off-season can transition us into letting go of the DJF affiliation and be totally on our own - something I sense the community wants. (Tell me if I'm wrong.) Tom W has already expressed a willingness to help with that process.
On the other hand, if someone wants to step up in that capacity, I'm willing to hand the keys over. GSMC bought the domain and still has control of it so it wouldn't be that difficult to do.
And who knows, maybe I'll want to write posts again. After all, look what happened here.
My one wish is that my legacy for this site is its warm welcome of smart Jays fans who also know how to have fun. A place where people can spread their wings to write or show their dedication to the care and feeding of the community through modding if they wish. A place where everyone is respected even as we have spirited discussions about this team we love (or music, or food, or nail polish...)
You guys are the best. May this place always be home. After all, I do still intend on hanging out. Just not as often.